


Against Your Will, You Are Alive

by Renee



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 09:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renee/pseuds/Renee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney watches John sleep after another suicide run. *contains slightly violent imagery (suicide)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Against Your Will, You Are Alive

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came from listening to the song I Hope You Die by Wye Oak.

"I can't sleep until I see you sleeping  
Curse my mind and its all-seeing eye  
Watch the rise  
And wonder if you're breathing  
Against your will  
You are alive" – Wye Oak, I Hope You Die

Against Your Will, You Are Alive by Renee

 

It was late, and the excitement of the day had long since faded. Everyone was exhausted, all senior staff forced to their rooms to sleep. Rodney couldn't help but crack a smile when he thought about Woolsey trying hard to keep his eyes open. They had been so unsure of him, when he took over the leadership of Atlantis, but he was a good leader; a good man. His expression soured as he thought of another "good" man. John was lying next to him in bed, finally sleeping. Rodney watched the rise and fall of his chest and resisted the urge to run his fingers down the warm body; resisted the urge to check for a pulse.

God, John was so infuriating some times. He seemed to follow a rather nasty little pattern: Wraith attack, suicide run. And every time it happened, Rodney was stuck wondering if this would be it; if this would be the time that John didn't make it back. Often, he wondered if that was why John did it. He tried to reason with himself that Sheppard was just a good person. He tried to tell himself that John took the dangerous missions because he didn't want anyone else to risk their lives when he was perfectly able to do it himself. Rodney tried to ignore the voice that asked him just how stable Lt. Col. John Sheppard really was.

When he was five, a friend of the family killed themselves. The man's wife had kicked him out, and he was staying Rodney's until he could figure out what to do with his life. A few days after his arrival, Rodney walked into the guest room to find him hanging from the ceiling fan. No matter how many years of therapy, Rodney had never been able to get the image of his "uncle" Dan, bloated and dead, dangling in front of his face.

He swallowed hard and placed a kiss atop John's head. He knew that they would have to talk about this. He just hoped they could do it without getting into a screaming match. With his arms wrapped around John, holding him tightly, Rodney slowly drifted off to sleep.

For once, he woke first. Rodney watched as John slowly came awake. He placed his hand on John's shoulder and the other man turned his head towards him with a sleepy, "g'morning."

Rodney managed a smile, "'morning." He sat up and took a deep breath. This was important, he knew he had to do it. Biting his lip, he gave John a serious look, "we need to talk."


End file.
